Alphaville

Forever young? Maybe not. Alpha and I continued our relationship, and things were good...yeah...good. Then I think we both realized that I was restless and he needed to move on too. I was a teenager, I was over 5' 10" and folks on Newbury street were starting to notice. Shit. I was in love, I loved him so much, couldn't picture a day without him. But there was distance, there were changes and ultimately, Alpha and I broke. I was down. I was depressed. I wish I had known how he felt. I always regret that I feel I broke his heart. That wasn't cool. Youth...whatever.

School was shitty to say the least. I was harassed relentlessly by the jocks (looking as I did they just assumed it was ok to grab tits, ass, rip clothes, etc...yeah cuz that's normal), teased and challenged daily by girls (god forbid a girl be tall and have boobs), and worst -written off by teachers and councillors. I was told everything from "there's no hope for you" to "focus on marrying well". College wasn't an option, though I received an offer of full scholarship from Johnson & Wales as I was a standout in my culinary classes. My parents, as JW's said that college would take away from my service to their god and was not acceptable. There went tens of thousands of dollars in the trash. I don't think I will eve be ok with that.

As I was a minority student being bussed to the burbs for school we were expected to maintain a high GPA...or play sports. Sports were verboten by JW's so even though I ran the track faster than most boys, I couldn't join the team. Yup, another regret to rack up. As the daily torture got worse, I wanted to be in class less. I was glad to go to the classes I loved but would happily skip others to leave early and see Alpha while we were together.

By the end of my 10th grade year I was a mess. I had great grades but my attendance was poor. I flunked a few classes and was invited not to return the following year. But there was hope...

A school only blocks away from home and not only did my best friend go there, but I was going to school with the principals kids in Newton. Score!!@

It was the beat place ever. I flourished! Trig - killed it! African American studies - I'm friends with my prof to this day!! Language, history, science, everything I was on top of the world and there was a great spot across the street for the best coffee and bagels in town. It was heavenly. A group of us were rebels. Spent lunch time out and about dining on Newbury and Boylston. Ha! So we got back late (service sucks at lunch!) And were handed down a sentence of lunch detention...well...I never!

So the first (and only) day of our detention my friend and I cooked a 4 course gourmet meal which we brought to school along with china and crystal stemware...the photo ended up in the yearbook. We never stayed late or were held for lunch again.

But all the dinner parties, colossal coffee drinks and excellent instruction came to a halt when the principal was transferred to a school that was in need if better leadership. The new principal came in, took one look at the number of credits I had (Newton has a lower credit system than Boston to urge students to do more work in order to graduate) and kicked me out mid-year. I thought it was fixed with a call from the former school principal and my Newton principal but she would not be swayed and I was escorted off school property.

Fine...whateva...I'll go to another school. It was a work-study and I only had to attend from 7:45-12:00 daily so long as I maintained employment. Fine by me. I worked at salons and was a model so its all gravy. What I didn't know was that my body had other plans.

Alpha III

Time passed and our little romance was becoming apparent to folks. Some thought it was simple harmless puppy love and let it be at that. Others thought it was a threat to the congregation and seemingly made it their mission to stop it. Jeesh, get a life people!

One brother from the congregation took a particular interest in me, my relationship with Alpha and how it was a huge problem. See, this Brother, as I will refer to him, happened to believe that he was the son of God, that I was to be his bride and that we would together rule the earth. I'm not shitting you. He was legit schizophrenic. You must understand that the Brother was in his mid 30's, a Ministerial Servant in the congregation which is like one rung down from Elder and my father's best friend. He lived around the corner from us and was at my house about 4x a week or more. Originally from the tough streets of Jamaica, Queens, NY he stood 6' 6", was basically solid muscle head to toe and trained in martial arts. With the exception of his Coke Bottle glasses and, well, being insane, he would have been a great catch for one of the sisters in the congregation. He was well respected and was encouraged to motivate the youth of our congregation. In essence, our church allowed us to be supervised by a certifiably insane person, and they were ok with that, he was a "role model". Yeah...wrap your brain around that.
While the Brother tried his damndest to stop things between us, even his best efforts in masking his coo coo and allegedly trying to "shepherd" me, Alpha and I made a way. I remember the day like it was yesterday. And with the amount of damage I've done to my brain, that's saying something!
We had a few brushes with going all the way, but they didnt pan out. Either he or I would chicken out or it would be too late in the day and one of our parents would be home soon. (Why my dad took a job that let out at 3:30 I now understand!)
But then there was the day it all changed. I had on my usual baggy jeans, probably a turtleneck and socks, but it was what was underneath that was the shocker. Black silk and lace trimmed string bikinis and a lace black bra. Oh yeah, I knew what I was doing. He was sweet, gentle and incredible. It was about 3:32 pm when he entered me for the first time. He was nervous, but managed to hide it well enough from me at the time. It didn't last forever but I know that I writhed with pleasure at the feeling of him being inside of me and our bodies so close. It was extacy. I was 14, a freshman at Newton North High School and it was a Wednesday...I couldn't go back to school tomorrow! I was a woman now.
When it was over, he asked me repeatedly if I was ok. I assured him I was fine and saw him to the door. Phenomenal.
He later told me (I mean years later) that when he got home he sat in his back fire escape for what seemed like hours. His dad came out and asked if he was ok. I think his dad knew what had happened somehow. Fathers intuition perhaps. Knowing that he was so concerned about me and what this all meant for us makes him even more of a sweetheart.
Our romps became more frequent, more passionate and more adventurous, but I'll save all that for my next book...you get the gist.

Back to This Bloggy Thing...

So it has been a couple of years since I last checked in here and there have been a whole lot of developments, but I think it best for me to just pick up where I left off and then move forward to the present. Makes sense right? If I am to turn this into a book one day, there should be some chronological order, no? Ok, so back to the story (or my life, if you will). Now where was I? Oh, yes, Alpha and I were just about to...

Alpha II

After the kiss, I prety much started planning the wedding and picking out china patterns. I still had to finish Junior High, but I thought I could sneak a wedding in sometime after dance classes.



I was smitten, and I think he was too. We devised a communication schedule that I think was originally used by the KGB that consisted of planned calls when his parents weren't home, pager messages, and the notes. Oh my god I just remembered the NOTES!!!



We would spend hours pouring over these sheets of college ruled paper from our school notebooks. Writing our deepest thoughts like "math class sucks", "you looked so cute in your suit on Sunday", and "2Getha 4Eva". Then with the skill of a master oragamist, we would fold them into little squares and write our initials on the outsides. At the next JW meeting, we would pass them to eachother through his sister or my BFF. I hid them and would read them over and over once I got home. Oh god I was so in love.



Those outings got more frequent and I was even allowed to go to the occasional "gathering" that the JW's would throw. We didn't have holidays and weren't allowed to go to proms or dances, so we'd have to make up reasons to get together and socialize. It was the closest to normal social activity as we could get. But, no dancing in couples unless you were married, no booze (because most JW's drink at home), and no flirting. Did that stop us? Hell no!



We could sneak like the best of em, and I would do anything for a few minutes alone with Alpha. That meant a couple minutes to touch him, kiss him and get his cologne on my skin. Yeah, cheesy as it was, I needed that from him.



There was also the sunday afternoon rip to the park. All the boys would play basketball or touch football and all the girls would sit on the bleachers and gossip. He had this jersey, a #42 Raiders jersey that I secretly coveted. How would I get that Lott jersey? I had to devise a plan.



The group that was at the park usually didn't include anyone that would disclose any of the little flirtations that would go on there. We could let our guard down just a little bit. He and I would sit on the bleachers and smooch, walk to the pizza shop and hold hands, silly stuff. I was a kid, and I knew he was waiting for me to just say yes. He had fucked before, I had never had sex willingly. Was he going to be my first?



According to the religeon, I was supposed to wait until marriage to have sex. He was going to be my husband, and I was almost grown. It had been nearly two years of us sneaking to movies to get to third base. I had to find out what this was going to feel like at some point. And since we were destined to be married and have good little christian children, I could have sex with him guilt free, right? But when and how. The logistics of us fooling around were mind boggling. But I was the best double-lifer there was. I could work this out, I had to.

Alpha

In the Bible God is described as "the Alpha & the Omega", the beginning and the end. He is my beginning. As I write this, I still get chills...breathe, breathe.

Since I had been shuttled back and forth so much, I hadn't gotten too close to many of the boys in my Kingdom Hall. I honestly didn't think any of them would give me the time of day. I knew they were all way cooler than me. My parents were weird, even by JW standards. I was even taller, even more awkward, and to top it off I was also wearing glasses. There was no way any boy would have thought I was cute. Especially not one of the cool boys.

There was this group of boys that had grown up together from birth. They were thick as theives and I would have loved for one of them to be my boyfriend. But what were the chances? And then he said hello, Alpha said hello-to me!

He was so fine, he had curly hair, big brown eyes, and a swagger that was palitable. A leader of the group was far from what I thought I deserved, but he seemed to like like me. Wow, I was lucky. I can honestly say I didn't know how we ended up together, but I remember the movies.

JW's aren't allowed to date really, especially at my age. But we organized these group outings where we went to the movies together. 10-15 of us horny, angst filled kids going to see summer blockbusters and anything rated PG. All the boys and girls that had crushes on eachother would arrange to sit next to eachother. I always tried to sit next to Alpha.

We would touch hands, share popcorn and make googly eyes. It was all so sweet and so cute looking back. We all tried to do things to extend the night, even though we all had curfews. If we were lucky we would get to go to some fast food place for a bite afterwards. This was like the debreifing time. All the girls would go off and gossip about their crushes. All the boys would group of and talk about the movie or basketball. But in the end we all had to go home by the time the street lights came on. Being a gentleman-in-training, he walked me home...with the whole group in tow.

As we came around the corner to my apartment my heart was beating out of my chest. God he was cute. And he was so damn cool! Was he gonna just walk away? Say goodnight and go? What the fuck? Wait, he's stopping. Everybody else is still walking. We're ALONE! He's so cute and he's coming closer. You think an alleged slut like me would know what to do, but this was all new. And there it was. The most beautiful kiss ever. Sure it was a peck, but time stopped for us. I was on my stoop, that I had sat on with my ripped tights years before, and I was stunned. I was officially in love. And I knew he was my man for life. Alpha was my beginning.

The Voice

So I mentioned that friend with the gigantic tits earlier, right? Well, she comes over to my house after school and tells me all about this high school boy she met. He's tall, like really tall. He's built, like really built, he's fine, like really fine, and he's got this...voice.

After figuring out a strategy on how we were gonna meet him, I had to come up with a reason to stay after school. Since JW's aren't allowed to participate in any team sports, I had to really bullshit here. I think I said I was taking extra math or science classes after school. And I think they believed it. Ha ha, the beginnings of the fabled "double-life".

So, there we are, we've stayed after school, we've gone to the store around the corner and picked up candy, chips and soda. I was ready to meet this Adonis. As we boarded the bus, I could feel things shifting. She was never giddy over a boy, but this one was different. Rounding the corner to the back door of the high school, I caught my first look of him, goddamn! I had crushes before, but this dude was like movie star hot to me.

He took the seat in front of us and said....hello. Oh my Jesus lord I think it moved! His voice came from somewhere really really deep. Deeper than the squeaky 12 year olds I was forced to associate with daily. Their voices getting even higher when they let you kick em in the nuts. This guy was a man, and I wanted him badly!

Apparently my career as a double-lifer was succeeding because I began staying after more often with my friend just to see this guy. We exchanged numbers and began talking on the phone every once in a while. I'd be on the late bus just staring at him. He was as pretty as art to me. But I was the kid, he had no interest in me. Especially with boobilicious for a BFF! And then I saw it.

While listening to CeCe Penniston's "Finally" on my walkman, I turned around on the bus and saw him...kissing...her! Never felt jealousy until then. And I hated that feeling. I was so hurt, I was crushed all over again. He got off the bus at his stop and she came up and sat next to me. Before I could even turn to look at her I could hear her. She was in hysterical tears, bawling her eyes out! WTF?

I found out later, through her tears, that he had been her first kiss. He was a little more touchy than she was ready for, and he basically freaked her out. I was sad for my friend, but goddammit if I wasn't intrigued! I'm a sick little bitch ain't I?

She didn't have any reason to stay after school anymore, but I sure did. The Voice was still running track and getting on that famed late bus. And I was there to see him. I could always feel my heart flutter as we came around to the back entrance of the high school. There he was, and he just got hotter and hotter.

We sat on the bus and talked a lot. We talked on the phone, and I just wanted to find out what those gorgeous lips felt like. It happened one day, and it was everything I thought it could be. A sweet little kiss on the back of the bus. Delicious.

But where was the gropey hands I had heard about, the under the shirt, the down the jeans? Where was this freak-Adonis I was promised? Can you believe I was actually upset? Was I going to have to say something? What was it she did to get him to go for the gold? Oh wait, she had bigger tits. Damn.

Despite the fact that we were basically friends that had kissed a couple times, we were still the targets. Those rumor mills started up again and our names were all over the place. Allegedly, he and I fucked in the lower gym of my junior high. This rumor haunted me for the rest of my time in the burbs. At one point it was so bad that the late bus driver actually pulled over and asked us, in front of a full bus, if the rumor was true. We denied it, she called the whole thing a wash, I was mortified!

The great thing about school is that in the summer you don't have to go. This rumor had plagued me all spring and until the end of the school year. Thankfully it was over, and I returned to the normality of my life, whatever that was.

The Voice and I spoke on the phone several times during that summer. I loved his voice. But I was a kid, didn't know any better, and there was something else happening...it was a real beginning.

Crushes and Crushed

Since I was already a slut as far as an entire elementary school was concerned, it was time to move on to bigger and better things.

My parents had the forethought to have me on the waiting list for a program that takes underprivileged, inner-city kids and puts them into schools in nice, manicured suburbs. Great. In the third grade I went to my first day of school in the 'burbs.

I had spent hours, days picking out my first day of school dress, it was fabulous! Red dress with little blue, white and yellow flowers all over it, ruffled sleeves, red tights and shiny shoes! It was hott! Until...

The bus was 3 and a half hours late! Can you believe it? I was so upset! I sat on my stoop for the whole morning watching other kids in their best outfits getting picked up. And there I sat. At one point I thought I saw the bus, so I ran to the corner, and fell, tearing my tights. Dammit. Had to go back upstairs to the apartment to change. Double dammit. I didn't have any more red tights! White tights? Are you serious mom? Ughhh, fine. Red dress, white tights. Tragic.

A friend of mine describes me as a foal taking its first steps. I was tall, awkward, puffball of hair, weird colored eyes, and a Strawberry Shortcake lunchbox, wearing those damned white tights. The ride was a nightmare. Befuddled bus driver, restless kids, and a long ride to a strange place.

Talk about an entrance. Fashionably late is one thing, 4 hours late to school is a whole other ball of wax. So embarrassing. I arrived in time for lunch, and dined on the contents of my lunchbox. I was told that the next class was music-cool! I went to a performing arts school before, I totally have this! We were going to learn the recorder. double cool-my dad is a sound engineer, I know all about tape recorders! I'm gonna be a star!!! WTF is this plastic tube with holes in it? Ugh, 'burbs suck.

In my first days at school I realized that I was definitely different. Not just because of the clear delineation of the kids who were bussed in and the native burbanites, but it was on the bus too. I didn't live in "the 'hood", I wasn't dark skinned, my hair was almost blond, and my daddy was white. This was gonna be a long haul of shit.

And then there was the cutie pie I spotted on the bus. He was dark, and had a high top fade, and was loud, and silly and cute!!! There was also the suave boy I thought was so damn fine. He had a gumby cut, dimples and a flare for the dramatic.

Not to gloss over it all, but through the years I had crushes on a few boys in school, none of them reciprocated except for that kid with the gumby cut and dimples. I think he and his partner spend their summers in Fire Island and Provincetown. (I've always loved my gays!) So I turned my attentions back to the church.

I was so uncool there too! Tall is not an attribute when you're a kid! My BFF's brother was the cutest boy I'd ever seen. A half breed like me with shiny dark hair and lovely eyes. Never go too far with him though. She had a socket in her room that came out and he would watch me change from there. Cue me becoming an exhibitionist!

We spent a lot of time together and it was bound to happen one day. Since I was already a seasoned kisser thanks to my babysitter, I was totally up for the Seven Minutes in Heaven challenge! And there we were in the closet, staring at each other.

First we hugged, meh. He leaned in and said we were gonna kiss like they do on TV, so he smooched my cheek, meh. Then he said we were gonna kiss for real-bingo! Smoochie-booches and it was everything I thought it could be and more. Until he ran out of the closet.

By the next week he had told a few of the boys at the hall, and I was a marked woman. Mom went back into the hospital, I went back to aunties, and it was kinda like hitting a reset button. By the time I came back, I was a mystery again.

Going back and forth to school over the years did take its toll. And the boy with the high top fade barely acknowledged me, only to make fun. Eventually I couldn't take the daily torture that was the bus and I convinced my parents to let me take the T to school (public transport). That was the beginning of me feeling the independence I had craved for so long and all the time I wanted to listen to my walkman and read. Good times, until I got to school.

Junior high, still awkward, still tall, but with tits! I had a few crushes here too. A couple of kisses, and a lot more of the aforementioned rumors. One boy I was totally infatuated with actually gave me the time of day-woo hoo!

He was dark and built and hot like Treach from Naughty by Nature, but as a 13 year old. We held hands a few times, we smooched a couple times, and then he turned into Ike Turner. What 13 year old hits a chick? Seriously? WTF?? He smacked me once, pushed me into a wall another time, and took a swing at me. I was actually glad that he left me for a white girl. Let her be the punching bag.

I did get a chance to reconnect with the boy with the high top fade that totally ignored me when I was younger thanks to the fact that my best friend was a total hottie with giant boobs. I thought he liked me, he let me kick him in the balls, a fact that he denies to this day, and we never even got to kiss. Guess I should have refrained from the ball kicking.

Then HE walked on the bus...damn.